Parents want the best for their children, so the pressure to push them to succeed can be overwhelming. But for Mrs Chan-Tey Kah Hwee, principal of Cedar Girls’ Secondary School, “success means nothing if your child isn’t happy and healthy”.
Mrs Chan, who has worked in education since 2001, spent her last five years as a principal. She has two teenage sons aged 15 and 17, and draws from both her professional and parenting experiences as she shares with Schoolbag a refreshingly grounded perspective on raising children in today’s complex new world.
Letting kids’ strengths and interests lead
Mrs Chan emphasises that academic accolades aren’t the be-all and end-all, and she walks the talk at home, prioritising her sons’ personal growth over traditional markers of success.
“I look at my boys’ strengths, ask them what they want, and go along in supporting them in their school choices. I don’t helicopter over them,” she says. “I always tell them to see their results as a stepping stone to get into a course they like. As long as they find something they like to do, that’s what matters.”
Her firstborn, a badminton enthusiast, secured a place at a secondary school through the Direct School Admissions (DSA) route. Though his O-Level results qualified him for admission to junior colleges, he decided to go to a polytechnic. Mrs Chan supported his decision. “He’s now in his first year of polytechnic, and he’s happy. He’s very street-smart, and I’ve told him that will help him survive well in the new world,” she shares.
She also backed her younger son’s preference to enrol in a secondary school near their home. Today, he is thriving as a band major in his CCA and learns multiple musical instruments in his free time.
When high expectations and the pursuit of awards hurt
Having seen firsthand how high expectations and unhealthy comparisons add unnecessary stress among young people, Mrs Chan strongly believes that the traditional notion of success needs a re-examination. It is increasingly common for young people to have imposter syndrome, a phenomenon where individuals, despite their accomplishments, experience self-doubt, anxiety and feel like a failure or fraud.
“Some students – and even younger teachers – share with me that they feel they have imposter syndrome, and it seems that social media is one of the main contributing factors. They feel there’s a need to always keep up with others’ achievements online,” she says.
Mrs Chan recalls a significant shift in mental health awareness around 2012, when such terminology became more widespread as social media gained traction among young people. That was also the year when she returned to teaching after undergoing a three-year stint at the Ministry of Education as a Curriculum Planning Officer.
“It was an inflection point in the whole world because social media use was rising during that time,” she reflects. “The shift made me realise that teaching was no longer just about the classroom lessons. The emotional well-being of a student has become more important.”
But social media, Mrs Chan believes, is not the only factor contributing to this shift. “I’ve been wondering if this tendency to compare ourselves with others is more prevalent because we now have smaller nuclear families, which makes it easier for parents and children to compare individual accomplishments with their siblings and other kids,” she notes.
“Society has also changed, and we now praise and reward kids for their achievements more often,” she adds, elaborating that parents might buy their children a new phone, a nice meal or schools might give out a plaque for good results.
While awards are meant to recognise a child’s hard work, we shouldn’t place too much emphasis on it. “Sometimes, parents ask me ‘Why wasn’t my child nominated for this (award)?’ I think that also contributes to the comparison culture, which can lead to unnecessary stress for the child,” Mrs Chan says.
“Some students with mental health issues tell me their parents have high expectations of them. But when I talk to their parents, they say they don’t pressure their child,” she says. So she explains that even when parents do not outwardly express their expectations, the way and tone with which they say things can also be a contributing factor that could unintentionally stress out the child.
To counter the comparison culture, Mrs Chan and her teachers at Cedar Girls’ have moved away from focusing on tangible outcomes to place emphasis on the learning journey. “If students do well, we are happy for them but we don’t focus on their prizes. An award is just an award,” she explains. “Instead, I ask them, ‘What did you do to get you to this stage?’ to focus on the learning process and values.”
What your child needs to thrive
This approach to education and parenting reflects Mrs Chan’s belief that success goes beyond academic achievements.
“Most importantly, our children must find their own answers and learn to navigate all the ambiguities and uncertainties in this new world,” she says. Communication skills and critical thinking are other meaningful indicators of success now too.
Emphasis must be placed on helping children develop resilience and adaptability – traits that can only be strengthened with adults in their lives who look at failure as opportunities for personal growth. She encourages parents to trust in the learning process and work with their child’s school to support their growth. She elaborates, “It’s normal to struggle in life sometimes. If you’re sailing through it, you may not even be learning. Failing, falling down – they are all part and parcel of learning and growth.”
