Stress-busting tips for teens from a parent who’s been there

When his daughter missed an exam due to stress, lecturer Ian Tan drew lessons from his own struggles at junior college on how to cope. That includes making time for exercise, games, and seeking advice from a trusted adult.

* AI-generated artwork courtesy of writer

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In 2022, my daughter was stressed out by her year-end exam schedule in junior college. She suffered from insomnia, then she fell ill and had to skip a major JC1 exam.

As you can imagine, she was very upset. I told her, “Let’s deal with your exam another day, you need to rest.”

After all, I have been in her shoes before. I told her two stories from my A-Level days in 1994 to share what I went through at her age, and hopefully provide some useful advice on managing stress.  

Busy schedule, personal struggles

The first story happened during my second year of junior college; I was teetering on the edge of a mental breakdown.

The 1994 A-Level exams were a few months away and the pressure was getting to me.

My school grades had been declining over the past year because I was spending too much time on my extracurricular activities such as dragonboating. I did not do well for my JC1 exams and my form teacher was worried about me.

She sat me down and asked, “Ian, you had good grades for your O-Levels, what happened to you?” My teacher meant well but that conversation stressed me out even more.

As the exams drew nearer, I felt gloomy and despondent whenever I needed to hit the books, and I worried what would happen if I did not achieve my personal target of straight As. I began to sleep badly, and this made things even worse during the daytime.

Being a problem-solver at heart, I tried different ways to deal with my steadily mounting stress before it went out of control.

1. Exercise

Having gone through vigorous training as a dragonboat athlete, I knew how exercise could boost blood circulation and relieve stress, so I went jogging at MacRitchie Reservoir almost daily to try to clear my mind.

It became a lifelong habit. Today, I continue to jog 6km three times a week, rain or shine (by the way, jogging is really good for your complexion).

2. Mental visualisation

My JC dragonboat coach taught our team the mental visualisation techniques of top athletes. He would get us to sit still in a dark room and visualise every step of the upcoming boat race. This way, we could prime our minds to deal with worst-case scenarios while performing at our best.

In the same way, I visualised how I would take each exam paper, and practised how I would keep calm if I encountered difficult questions. 

3. Gaming breaks

As a geek, I played computer games during every 15-minute study break. If I got bored of my own games, I would take a stroll to the shopping mall to play games at the arcade.

A word of caution: Videogames are addictive! However, I never went overboard with my gaming because my main goal was to achieve my grades. I always tell other parents that it is fine to let their children play videogames as long as they have set clear goals and priorities.

4. Seeking advice

These different activities did help to alleviate my stress, but not fully. My mind was still not settled and it was then that I thought of my secondary school form teacher, Miss Chia.

She was a caring teacher, a school counselor and had always been an encouraging figure in my life. I decided to visit my secondary school and seek her advice.

Thankfully, Miss Chia gave me her time and listened to my problems. She assured me that as long as I had a plan to cover all the revision topics and got enough rest, I would be fine.

Just having her as a listening ear and helping to put things in perspective was a big relief. I remember going home thinking “there’s hope for me”.

After meeting her, I did not do anything differently, but my frame of mind was now different. The stress was still there, but it no longer had a grip on me. This change was all because I had someone whom I trusted to speak to.

The A-Level exams came and went. In the end, I got the grades I wanted.

Then came a tougher trial

Seven years later in 2001, the next trial came. It was my final year at the university, and my mum was dying from cancer.

In those days, I would spend my free time driving her to the National Cancer Centre for treatment, then working on my final-year project as I waited for her to be discharged.

She slipped into a coma and I knew that her death was imminent, but I had to trudge on.

Once again, I relied on the above-mentioned ways of managing stress: I went jogging, I played computer games, and I sought the company of friends to help me deal with the difficult situation.

I could manage my stress better this time, but I could not stop what happened next. My mum passed away a few weeks before my final-year exams.

During my mother’s wake, I was very touched when many classmates from secondary school, junior college and university came to visit. They lifted my spirits with their jokes and pats on the back.

That year, I graduated top of my class and I gave tribute to my mother during my valedictorian speech, and also told my friends how thankful I was for their support.

More than anything else, it was my friends who lifted my spirits and encouraged me to keep going until I crossed the finish line of my studies. 

Sharing from personal experience may help

Everyone will go through tough times in their lives, and as parents, we should first provide a listening ear to show our children we care.

While sharing our experiences is valuable, we should also be clear that what worked for us then may not work for our children as times have changed. However, our life stories can help them see that life comes with struggles and there are time-tested approaches to alleviate our stress.

I encouraged my daughter to take more breaks, get more fresh air through exercise, hang out more with her friends and also seek the perspective of other adults. She bounced back from that episode, and went on to ace her A-Levels a year later.

I claim no credit for her results; I was just glad to share my tips and most importantly, to see her overcome her struggles on her own terms.