Four parenting skills ‘I picked up at the workplace’

As a young parent, writer Ian Tan was thinking of the best ways to communicate with his children, especially when their personalities were so different. He found himself applying skills he picked up as a journalist and from managing a global marketing team.

* AI-generated artwork courtesy of writer

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I like to tell my friends that having children is like rolling the dice.

The outcome is always random — you have no idea how your child will turn out. What is for sure is that your child will not be exactly like either you or your spouse.

When the genes of two parents come together, there are over 70 trillion possible combinations. Unless you have an identical twin, your genetic makeup remains absolutely unique in the history of mankind.

When I was a young parent, I had always imagined that my children would be very similar to me in temperament, skills, and aptitude.

But when my son and daughter were toddlers, I realised how different they were from my wife and me, and from each other. My son is quiet and reserved, while my daughter is outgoing and impatient. He likes to read maps, but she gets lost easily.

If you are in a similar situation, think about how you deal with various personalities in the workplace. It’s hard to get people to change, but you can change yourself to adapt to them.

Like every other parent, I learned how to bring up my children through daily trial and error.

Fortunately, my various jobs over the past 25 years also imparted useful skills for dealing with their personality differences.

Skill 1: Push different buttons

I began my career as a journalist for The New Paper in 2001. Working for a tabloid was tough as its sensationalist reputation made newsmakers avoid us.

But we had a job to do, so we learned how to observe people and figure out the best way to approach them so they would not walk away.

Different people have different buttons you can press, and if you study who they are and what they like, a few carefully worded sentences or questions could encourage them to open up to you.

More important is giving them time and having patience. If you are impatient and insist on getting your way, you may never discover what the other person is actually like and how they prefer to interact with you.

When we apply this to parenting, we realise it is us parents who need to listen to our children as much as we want them to listen to us.

So, always try to give your children your ear first, and you will learn how each child desires to be heard.

Skill 2: Don’t cramp their style

In the workplace, different people complete their tasks in different ways. I’m happy as long as they get the job done well.

For example, one marketing manager I supervised was always procrastinating till the last minute, and I always worried if he would meet our internal project deadlines. Somehow, he always did.

Another marketing manager would spend a lot of time seeking consensus from his colleagues about ongoing projects, even if it was not necessary. I let him be.

With our kids, we need to let them develop their own unique styles.

When I was a student, I would be very disciplined in my studying and exam preparation. But no matter how much I tried to teach my kids how to do it my way, they insisted on their own methods.

As students, my son and daughter had different approaches to studying — he could be unstructured, while she created her own study schedules. He did not like to revise his work, but she made copious notes to aid her recall.

I learned that the best I could do was to show them my approach, highlight the importance of outcomes, and then let them choose their own best approach.

In the end, both of them got the grades they desired, so it all worked out.

Skill 3: Emphasising values

One thing is non-negotiable though: Values.

In the corporate world, leaders shape the culture of their organisations through leading by example. I have been fortunate to have bosses who always walked the talk and consistently role-modeled how one should work with integrity and diligence.

My mentors at work always pointed out how many companies decline due to the poor values of their leaders and how they would get into corporate scandals that destroyed their reputation.

As parents, it is critical for us to impart universal values such as honesty, perseverance, and diligence regardless of our children’s personalities.

Every day, our family will have dinner together, and I will use the time to share my stories from work or from my past. The most important part of the storytelling comes when I explain how I dealt with different dilemmas or challenges.

When my children face similar problems in the future, I hope they will remember my stories and avoid making the same mistakes I did.

But be patient, as values cannot be forced; they need to be nurtured and embraced from within the child’s own heart.

For example, children are apt to hide things from their parents, especially if they have done something wrong. I learned over time to not insist on them telling me the truth immediately, but to wait for them to be ready.

When my son was in primary school, his handphone stopped working because the SIM card had gone missing. I was upset because he refused to say what happened, although I had an inkling.

I decided to get the SIM card replaced first because it was more important to fix the problem than to solve the mysteries of an 11-year-old boy’s behaviour.

Several years later, he admitted that he had been fooling around with his friends and they had mishandled his phone.

“Of course, I already knew that,” I said. “I was waiting for you to tell me the truth.”

Skill 4: Learning how to be fair

After I left journalism and became global marketing director at Razer in 2016, I worked with 120 marketers worldwide.

Managing such a diverse team taught me that despite cultural differences, everyone wants to do good work, be treated fairly, and earn recognition. When employees were unhappy about others receiving more recognition, I found it best to explain performance benchmarks clearly and highlight how people achieved those standards.

I also praised employees for using their unique talents to drive business results. This approach helped prevent disgruntlement in a workplace with varied aptitudes and strengths.

I applied this same philosophy to my children.

Recognising their different strengths and weaknesses, my wife and I celebrated their unique efforts.

My son has learning disabilities and struggled with subjects like Maths and Science. We praised every small bit of progress he made to build his confidence.

My daughter excelled academically, but we never insisted on straight As. We let her set her own goals, which she later exceeded.

What was important was for our children to know we appreciated their efforts and accepted whatever results they achieved. By treating them fairly and valuing their individual strengths, we fostered a sense of confidence and resilience in them.

Some parents believe we should keep our office and home lives separate. I agree but sharing lessons between both can help everyone — kids and colleagues alike — feel valued and be their best selves.