Hooked on social media: Parents, let’s show them a better way

Not only is social media taking up a lot of time, it is also affecting how we communicate and think through issues, on top of disconnecting us from the real world, says parent and lecturer Ian Tan. While he does not tell his kids to stay off apps, he does caution them about their negative impact. So, are his kids listening?

* AI-generated artwork courtesy of writer

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My wife and I dreaded the day we had to allow our children, now 21 and 19, to use smartphones when they began attending secondary school.

Before that, they were using “dumbphones” which could only make calls and send SMSes. We gave them these phones for emergencies or if they needed to contact us.

We knew that the minute they owned a touchscreen phone, they would join the masses in being hooked on the screen and all the apps within.

But we could not deny them the social network of friends who were communicating through their smartphones. This is the way the world works now — but is it for the better?

I have worked in the IT industry for 15 years and before that, I was a journalist who covered the technology sector. I got into social media when it was in its early days, but I no longer have apps such as Facebook on my phone as they are such a big distraction.

I don’t tell my kids to uninstall their social media apps, but I constantly remind them about the negative impact these apps have on the body and mind.

For instance, I highlight to them how people behave on public transport, with their heads hunched over the glow of their phones and their eyes glued to the glowing screen even as they walk through the train doors.

These commuters are not aware of what is happening around them at all and a new term has been coined to describe them – “petextrians”.

According to a Channelnewsasia report, petextrians are at a higher risk of suffering neck pain, headaches and other issues. Research also suggests that the prolonged strain on our spine can lead to a sense of imbalance, impaired movement co-ordination and disrupt bodily functions.

We didn’t use to be this way.

Real vs virtual chats

When my wife and I were dating in the late 1990s, we were already messaging each other through ICQ, the granddaddy of today’s chat apps.

But the big difference then was that you had to sit in front of a computer to use ICQ or Microsoft Messenger. Most of the time, we were having real-world conversations and going out for long walks together.

Our relationship was built upon holding hands, not using our hands to furiously message each other. Text messages lack the nuance and body language of face-to-face conversations, and often, we type words too quickly only to regret them after we press “Send”.

Fast forward to today. I often hear my daughter talking about how there are different “spam groups” (cliques) that her friends form on social media.

Trouble starts when confidential conversations from one spam group get leaked when someone captures a screenshot and forwards it to other people. 

That is why I tell my children, my students, as well as any adult who would listen, “Don’t write anything on your device that you don’t want someone else to read”.

Our relationship was built upon holding hands, not using our hands to furiously message each other.

I used to ban phones at the dinner table, but I am no longer that strict because the kids are now used to having family conversations over food instead of picking up their phones. 

Yet, it is not uncommon to see families at food courts and eateries not talking to each other. Even though they are at the same table, they are busy entertaining themselves on their phones.

What is happening here?

Distraction is now the norm

Our growing dependence on smartphones might lead to what researchers term “distraction addiction”.

According to American publication Psychology Today, this isn’t an addiction in the medical sense, but rather a habit of shifting focus from important daily activities so that we can satisfy a compelling urge.

In today’s world, the perennial urge is for us to pick up our smartphone, swipe it open and start scrolling.

You don’t even need to use your smartphone to be distracted by it, say researchers in an article by American management magazine Harvard Business Review.

“In two lab experiments, nearly 800 people completed tasks designed to measure their cognitive capacity. Before completing these tasks, the researchers asked participants to either: place their phones in front of them (face-down on their desks); keep them in their pockets or bags; or leave them in another room.”

“The results were striking: the closer the phone to the participant, the worse they fared on the task. The mere presence of our smartphones is like the sound of our names or a crying baby — something that automatically exerts a gravitational pull on our attention,” according to the researchers.

Anyone can see the problem with this.

If we prioritise picking up our phone over any other activity, how will we build meaningful relationships based on physical interaction and reading each other’s nuanced body language? 

The pandemic also showed us what happens when we are forced to be physically disconnected from each other — loneliness shoots up.

But science is also showing that there is hope. According to the American Psychological Association, researchers have found that limiting social media use to 10 minutes a day can reduce feelings of loneliness and depression in young people.

Setting an example by limiting our own phone usage

I have always espoused the same principle – we parents need to lead by example.

We cannot possibly tell our kids to get off their phones if we are constantly looking at our own phones.

I have uninstalled all games and most social apps from my phone, but I do keep LinkedIn for messaging other industry folks. When outdoors, I have a personal rule where I will stop walking if I need to look at my phone. I have switched off almost all notifications and I keep my phone out of the bedroom during sleeping hours.